For Anyone Needing a Smile - and a Lesson Dealing with Scammers

So most of us are undergoing probably one of the most stressful years in recent history. There's the COVID pandemic, the ensuing economic downturn, and major protests going on. It's like the 1918 pandemic meets the beginnings of the Great Depression meets 1968.

Seriously, I think most of us will be glad to give new meaning to the phrase Hindsight is 20/20.

This morning, while looking over Facebook, a friend (a professor who teaches journalism at the University of South Florida St. Petersburg) mentioned dealing with a phone call/telemarketer, managing to get the person to hopefully never call again.

I responded by posting how I've dealt with scammers by posting a link to this blog from 2013.

This got me thinking about a call I got years ago when I got to really have fun with the scammers.

I've known Candy (not her real name) for y-e-a-r-s. One afternoon, she called me on my cell phone, panicking.

"I just got a call from the IRS. The recording said that they've got a warrant for me, and to call them back. They left a phone number."

I assured her that it was a scam.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, definitely."

About this time, my home phone rang, and darned if I didn't get the same stupid recording!

"You won't believe this, but I just got the same call."

"Wow, what are the odds?"

At that point, I decided to show Candy how to deal with these scammers. "I'm going to call the number, and put the home phone on speaker phone so you can hear."

"Okay."

At that point, I dialed punched in a couple of numbers to mask my home phone number, then the phone number the recording wanted me to call. When the heavily accented person answered, claiming to be "John Smith," the first thing he asked was for my number. The conversation went (approximately) as follows:

Me: Sorry, I can't give that out, but I can give you my name.

John: Okay. Last name first.

Me: Patel. (Not my real last name, but that's part of the charm.)

John: Okay. First name?

Me: Skittles (yes, like the candy).

John: Can you spell that?

At that point, I spelled it for him.

John: I found it! You owe the IRS $5,000! Now, your address, please?

I gave him the address to the local post office, along with a 6-digit P.O. box. (The local post office only has 4-digit p.o. boxes, so I figured I was safe.)

John: Okay, we do have the police enroute to arrest you, as we speak.

Me: How can we fix this so I don't get arrested?

John: I am authorized to help you in this situation...

At this point, he said that if I'd pick up $1000 of gift cards...

I kept the ruse going for several more minutes before finally admitting that Skittles Patel was not my real name. I did mention that my next-door neighbor was a high-ranking IRS agent at the local office, that my father was a high ranking official with the Tampa Bay office of the FBI, my brother, who was sitting right next to me, worked for the Secret Service (all three of which were not true, but considering I was dealing with a bold-voiced scammer, I figured all bets were off - in real life, I'd never b.s. like this), and, oh, by the way, in about two minutes, there'd be approximately 15-20 large sedans pulling up to the building the scammer was calling from, each sedan with 3-4 federal agents, all ready to arrest everyone in his office.

There was an ever-so-slight pause before I heard John call out (not into the phone, but to his coworkers), "Code Black, Code Black, Code Black! Everyone vacate the premises now!" Then the line went dead.

By now, Candy was laughing hard; it took her a minute to catch her breath.

"I never would've thought of doing that!" she gasped.

"Still think that the IRS is after you?"

"No," was her answer.

While we then went on to talk about other things - her family, my family, life in general - I hope this helped you in three ways: (1) I hope you realize that this is not how the IRS would contact you (they'd do it by mail on official IRS stationary); (2) you can either ignore the scammers or give 'em the grief they deserve; and (3) you've at least gotten to laugh...which is a good thing during these trying times.

Be Safe

To all my friends, both online and in real life, please be safe. These are tough times: COVID, job losses due, in part, to COVID, and now the rioting among those who don't understand (or care) the difference between peaceful protests that affect positive change and violence that makes things much, much worse.

Be safe, if you're part of the protests. Remember: peace begets peace, violence begets violence.

Be safe, if you're a journalist - print, network news, independent, photographer - letting the public know what's going on, especially (but not exclusively) if you're a person of color (non-white). We need you to STAY SAFE!

Be safe, if you're a police officer, firefighter/EMT/paramedic, member of the National Guard, etc., and remember those protesting peacefully are your brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, decent human beings...and act accordingly.

Be safe, if you run across police, firefighters, National Guard, etc. Remember that they are also your brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, decent human beings...and act accordingly.

We are all in this together. If we can remember that, if we can remember that most of us are decent people, if we hold the bad accountable while helping each other out, no matter that person's race, gender, ethnicity, religion, or any other "different-from-me," we can get through this.

One last thought: in 5, 10, 20 years, when someone asks you, "What did you do during 2020, when everything was going to hell?", how do you want to be able to respond? That you made a positive difference in someone's life? Or that you were a violent vandal? Think about that when you go out.

And be safe.

I wrote this yesterday, with one or two minor changes, and posted it on Facebook after reading and viewing reports, including in the Tampa Bay Times and other newspapers and network news, of violence and looting during protests following the death of George Floyd at the hands of police in Minneapolis. The anger is understandable; most people - regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc - have expressed anger at his death, and how it happened. The peaceful protests can hopefully have a positive affect on life; violence and looting won't help at all.