There are days when things just don't go exactly the way we plan 'em. How does the joke go? How do you make God laugh? Tell Him/Her your plans. I had a day like that recently.
Because I was the only one home and awake after my three-hour online shift yesterday morning, I pretty much had the day to myself, and figured I'd spend the time working on my Master's thesis. I was moving along nicely when the phone rang. We have the phone set up so that the voicemail kicks in after four or five rings--enough time to let the Caller ID show who's calling, allow us to answer (if we're available and want to answer), while letting the caller leave a message without having it ring a zillion times first.
But this time, the phone only rang once; since it has to ring twice before the Caller ID spits out the number, there was no way of knowing (beyond hitting *69, which adds to the bill) who had called. I'd noticed that the phone had been ringing only once or twice a lot the previous day or two. Sometimes, whoever called would leave a message, so I knew they weren't crank calls. After this particular call, though, one of the phone jacks made several weird clicking noises, like it was trying to decide whether to ring, hang up, or croak.
Weird, I thought, before going back to work. But then, a few minutes later, when I went to use the portable phone, it showed that line was in use. What? How is that possible? I'd never even picked up the phone! So I hit the on button and listened to a ton of static, as well as that weird screeching noise that lets you know you've left your phone off the hook.
Note: For anyone of a certain age, say, under 35 or so, and is into the cool catch-phrases of the past ten years or so, no, I'm not trying to sound cool by using the phrase off the hook. There really was a time when the phrase meant that someone had forgotten to hang-up their phone at the end of a call. These people were oh, so not cool.
We still had cable TV and the internet, and our bill was current, so that wasn't the problem. I went around to each phone in the house--the two portables, the two actual landlines--and made sure that the two cats hadn't knocked the handsets off the phones. I also checked to make sure that the phones were actually plugged into the wall jacks. There was still that static, screeching, and no dial tone. So, I went online to correct the problem...or so I thought. After getting to the proper carrier's website, I went through all their systems' checks, then tried to contact someone using the internet, only to receive the message that We're sorry, but we're not sure how to help out beyond telling you to call us at 1-800... Yeah, like if I could do that, there wouldn't be a problem...Of course, my cell phone was down at the moment, so that didn't help.
Finally, I got a bright idea. Grabbing a couple of screwdrivers, I headed out to the outside phone box, opened it up where it said Customer Access, and opened the box up. There were two places to plug in a phone. I tried using our desk phone, a funky-looking thing I'd bought at an antique store a few years back. Of course, it's a rotary phone, which was incompatible with the prompts the automated system gave me. ("Are you calling about 727-...-....? If yes, press one, if no, press two...") No amount of waiting would convince the prompt to connect me with a real human being.
Bringing the antique phone back inside, I ended up having to use the portable phone, which meant taking the phone's charger, plugging one cord into an indoor wall socket, and the phone line cord into the outside box. (Yes, it was a pain...) Now, I was in business...
When I finally got through to a live human, there seemed to be a language problem. The man with customer service had no discernible accent, and seemed to be able to understand and respond to simple questions, such as names and phone numbers.
But then things got weird. "What number are you calling about? Okay, what seems to be the problem?" I said that the inside phone lines weren't working. "So how are you calling?" he asked.
"I had to plug the phone into the outside box."
"What?" he asked, sounding astonished. "Did you have to climb the power pole to get to the phone lines?"
"Um, no, there's a box on the side of the house that takes the phone lines from the underground fios line into the house?"
"Why would it be there?"
The conversation went down hill from there. But finally, after ascertaining that the phone I was on actually works, he told me to take the phone and the base, plug them into one of the indoor jacks while he ran a diagnostic test on the line. "I'll call you back in five minutes."
After plugging the phone into the indoor jack, I could tell that the indoor line still wasn't working. Static, screeching...
Back outside, I got the phone plugged back in maybe thirty seconds before the guy called back. "Great!" he exclaimed. "We have it working!"
"No, we don't," I answered.
"What do you mean?" He sounded completely confused. "I'm talking to you on the phone."
"I'm back outside."
He then offered to call me on my cell phone. "That's out of minutes," I explained.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's a prepaid phone, and once you get below a dollar on it, especially when you haven't used it that day, you can't get or receive calls."
"But I'll be able to call you on it. You'll be inside your house then," he said, a hint of Oh, these silly people with their ridiculous ideas in his voice.
"Okay, you've got my cell phone number on file, right?"
"Yes, I'm calling now." He put me on hold, and as I waited, seriously wondered two things: Where the phone company had gotten this winner from, and how long this charade would go on. Finally, he came back. "The phone doesn't seem to be accepting calls."
"See?" I said, feeling a little bit vindicated.
After several more twists and turns in the conversation, he finally decided it would be best if he sent a technician out the next morning.
That actually helped...The problem is solved. Wouldn't be so aggravating if the company hadn't had someone call me less than ten minutes after the technician left to see if I'd like to upgrade my services for a mere $10 a month! I thanked them, and said No.
If they really want to upgrade, how about a person - born here or not, it really doesn't matter - who actually listens and understands the language...
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